I've had a full weekend, and a lot of fun. There's probably literally no reason be feel down, except of course that I'm drained of energy. So here's another sad angsty broadcast.

I'm crushing on Manca, but she's just not particularly interested in me, and that hurts. More generally, I'm thinking a lot about this (old) idea that there's only so much interest to be had, and you're usually not its focus. I'd love it if someone is interested in me, but people aren't really. And more specifically, I yearn for Manca's interest, but that's an unfortunate/losing game I'm playing at. I'm starting to hate the dynamics of the situation. Manca gets a bunch of interest (which is fine, and great on itself, and due to a bunch of healthy relationships that I can't say I have). And I'm just a fool to also want to spend all my interest on her, because she doesn't reciprocate it. And how could she, or why would she, if I'm just one of many. But it mostly just makes me feel so little. I keep looking at myself from the lens of a disinterested Manca. Stupid remarks I make, or silence because I can't create or hold a conversation. Mannerisms. The way I hold and move myself, my body, how it's uncertain, unmanly, just silly.

I'm stuck and can't seem to shake a bad feeling today. I'm gonna have to call it the "Manca issue", because although the name doesn't sound all too nice, it does kind of sum up how I'm experiencing it.

Yesterday evening featured a third installment of Manca and me negiotiating our way around our feelings toward each other.

In the first, months ago, I confessed my growing romantic feelings for her on the kitchen floor in a moment in which I felt (beautifully) emotionally overwhelmed, and she rejected me using as her two foremost reasons, in my memory at least, (1) her recent breakup with Pablo, and (2) the fact that we're roommates.

In the second, on what was or felt like a relaxed Sunday afternoon on the couch, after she showed me some song with specifically romantic lyrics (that she brought my attention to), and after about 10 minutes of not knowing what to do, I felt the need to confront her again on the topic. She said she was unhappy and/or sorry, that I'd misconstrue her actions that way, and she felt her initial decision was correct and she wanted to stick with it.

When watching movies together, which we sometimes do, I always feel like her body language is telling me something different. She'll move and lay down slightly closer to me. I know my imagination can play parts, and that it's very possible for me to misconstrue her, and so even though I do often (but more subtly) reciprocate these movements, and even though I might be focused a great deal on this tension, measuring in my mind's eye the physical distance between us constantly, I keep myself aware of the boundary she so explicitly verbalized, twice.

Yesterday, we iterate. She lays down, snuggles her head slightly in my direction, and sometimes looks around to talk to me, and I can feel the focus and affection in her eyes. I reciprocate, but ever so slightly, weighing between the two opposite forces of, on the one hand, both wanting to respect her boundaries as well as trying to insulate myself from the love-pain I feel she's inflicting on me, and on the other hand, the bodily desire to touch her, hold her hand, stroke her neck, lay my head against her. I feel the distance between us, register her every motion. And this time, way more clearly than the last, she places her hands closer to me. I do and don't want to, feel very anxious about it, and then can't resist, casually placing my hand very close to her as well. She reacts and her hands twitch, from excitement I believe. I find it very hard to believe we don't both understand what childish/beautiful romantic game we're playing. But I'm way too nervous, and I can't square the signals in my mind. So this is where we stay, until she withdraws, and I withdraw, and the movie ends.

But instead of bringing the evening to an end, we each roll ourselves up a bit more, and share slow, cute, intimate conversation. I don't want the feeling to end, and it feels like Manca also doesn't want that. I close my eyes and listen to her voice, which becomes more beautiful and encompassing. The clock ticks in the background, the neighbors make slight movements, and the rest is silence, interspliced with her voice. If I could get my way, I wouldn't have to reply, wouldn't have to hear my silly words and sentences and anecdotes, I'd just listen to her. Maybe she could read me a story. Conversation dies, as we're also both quite tired, and we just lie there, almost falling asleep.

I know we can't jus fall asleep there. I have washed clothing that needs to be hung up badly, and I don't think we'd be able to implicitly decide for some weird suboptimal sleeping apart, together, on the couch, with straight faces. We're gonna have to stand up and go to bed, eventually, and I'm dreading that moment. All these thoughts, and what I could possibly do, whatever I could say to somehow fix, solve, or improve the situation, keep racing through my head, but in this ineffective, feverish, looping kind of way, that happens to me when I'm stuck in one position and there's no new input.

After what feels like the longest time, I confront her again. I might have considered 10 different ways in my mind, but the one that I produce is the shortest, silliest, and sadly a bit passive-aggresive version, some lesser version of: "Manca, my mind if stuck, I feel so much tension, and I'd just want to hold your hand, or lay closer to you, but I don't know what to do". She replies, hesitantly, that she's like to hold hands, but she doesn't know if that's what I want. And I reply, this time definitely passive-aggresively, that unless it "doesn't go anywhere", I'd probably better brush my teeth and go to bed. I meant, of course, if "the thing between us" doesn't go anywhere, but feel like it probably sounded like "something right now" doesn't go anywhere. I should at least have chosen for "if it doesn't mean anything to you".

I brush my teeth, hang up my clothes, and she reiterates the kind of stuff we said after our second installment. A bit later, when I'm in my room, she comes to me and tells me she has clearer thoughts and wants to clarify some stuff. She says she feels a different kind of affection for me. The kind of affection that the 8-year-olds share, like in the movie we just watched. It could even be likened familial in some way, she doesn't say this explicitly but it's implied through the movie we just watched, and a reference she makes to another one we recently watched where some similar affection is displayed.

I really don't know what to make of it all. There's two conflicting sides. On the one hand, I want to play all of this both properly, as well as possibly strategically. In some insidious way, these feel aligned. I should respect her boundaries, believe what she says about her reasons and her 8-year-old-style affection, and try to move on myself. And where and it that's not possible, it'll become apparent, and we might move closer to each other yet. And although it might be wise to try to move on myself, it also feels natural to poke at it, testing my feelings for her. Maybe I can turn them into friendly affection too, or maybe not and then at least I'm clearer on what I want.

But on the other hand, I almost want to feel angry at her. Why is she spending so much thought trying to frame her affection into a shape that doesn't involve romantic feelings? Is she scared of the consequences? We could take things slowly and tackle it all together. We're reasonable people, and by the way, what happened to the logical order of snuggling, dating, sex, relationship? It's totally fine to break off somewhere along that sequence, and we could deal with it. Am I undesirable, do I not match the kind of persons she sees herself with? Or is she scared whether what she feels is love? I hope this last one is not the problem, and I'm projecting for it to be the case, but I do feel it might be partly so. I so hate that problem, and it would be the saddest thing if she chooses against us in its name. I would go back and save my relationship with Julia from this demon if that were possible, but that's too late and we've moved on by now. I would go back and save myself from so much torment in my youth by telling my younger self that love is something that, aside from a certain bedrock of shared experience and compatibility, you grow and nurture and build together. Manca has fascinated me from even before she moved in, I enjoy spending all my time with her and long for more of it, we connect on a deep level of shared experience of the world, and added to all of this I'm much attracted to her. It often feels to me like most of the this is felt mutually, and I just can't wrap my head about why, if we both feel affectionately about each other in this way, we shouldn't at least give us a try.

Having a birthday is an exercise in receiving gifts. My grandma once told me about receiving gifts (or compliments). People will often shy away from the situation, dismissing it casually -- it's easier to gift than to receive. But the brave or important thing to do, is to accept it, and whole-heartedly thank the other person for it. They put conscious effort into it, they're putting themselves out there, and your acknowledgement of it means the world.

It might be just because I've been somewhat drained the last few days, but somehow I still feel there's something more to it on birthdays. I don't really want to do the whole birthday thing. It makes me feel awkward, and a bit sad for some reason. Today I ignored my parent's calls twice, once on the morning, and once in the evening. I hesitantly replied to felicitations on whatsapp. Carlota and Manca offered to "cook whatever I wanted", because it's "my birthday, my choice", which, although a funny/kind gesture, I didn't really appreciate. (Although in the end I did enjoy the dinner we had, Sophie joined too and they made great tacos.)

I had been thinking all day about this aspect of gratefullness, but now, lying in bed, I've come to a new view. What I don't like about my birthday, is that I need to perform. There's just an entire day packed with these kinds of conversations I'm not great at having, where internet neurdivergents will talk about masking. They cost effort, and don't relate to how I feel. I don't feel held, of understood. What if, as a gift for my birthday, I'd get conversations of understanding?

I don't just move through the world, freely like a fish.

I imagine, and think, and prepare walls of words, a tunnel of language.

Music is just the same as language, just very unsuccessful but also very successful, at that. Music is lopsided language :P And maybe, before written language and logic, language used to be for past people, more like music is for us now?

(These ruminations have been with me for a while, I'm just revisiting them with an attitude shift.)

For the longest time, I just thought that the effect, or meaning, or chords and rhythms were "grounded" or "deterministic". I guess this is my gullibility, or default propositional/realist stance or upbringing. Although also, since I framed this thought in my mind, had a inkling that it might not be the case, and I'd perform this thought experiment over and over in my head, where I'd teleport to some distant past with a piano, and then play some music for hunter-gatherers. Would they like the music? Would they understand the emotions? The same experiment can be held in the now, with animals.

Slowly over the years, and with a few key moments of new conceptual understanding, I've been awknowledging that they would not. That musical meaning, just as linguistic meaning, is for a large part just social construct. But I've spent a considerable time trying to distinguish the cultural part from the "physiological", too. There's stuff to be said about ratios in chords, syncopation, analogy to human voices, etc.

But now I'm watching the intro to some new series, and I'm struck with a strong change of mind. Apart from having some superficial physiologically deterministic effects on our psyche, musical elements like chords and rhythms derive their meaning almost entirely just from totemic association. Similar to words, which have some stuff like the bouba-kiki effect. But mostly, these effects are just a "base environment" for cultural associations to flourish in.

What struck me watching the intro, was how easily I comprehended the (if maybe somewhat unimaginative) chord progression and other elements they used to set the tone for the series. There were two parts: an emotional part, and cultural associative part. Emotionally, I understood it would be beautiful, but also sometimes unexpected. Culturally, I understood it would relate to the fantasy genre, there will be magical elements in the storytelling to match the magical elements in the music, and then some discovery, and scary stuff, etc. The way in which the authors of the intro just "picked together" the elements was indeed, exactly like a writer pickes together the right words for a sentence.

Now, for how music is so unsuccessful at being like language, but also way more successful, that just has to do with how unguided, or maybe indirect, or indeterminate, the brought-about associations are. Words have a way more fixed meaning, musical elements do not. Words can "bootstrap themselves" and become more fixed over time (in historical development as well as reading time), defining themselves through usage. Musical elements can't do this, stay unhinged and open to other interpretations (in time, or by other people).

And finally, because I was skimming through James Gleick's The Information yesterday, I can't help fantastize how maybe this understanding of music could be used to understand what language felt like, before widespread written language and the discovery of logical structure. To quote him: "There are no syllogisms in Homer" (I should really go and fact-check this btw). There are no syllogisms in music either.

(I think I got this from tiktok.)

The way you looked at me the day before yesterday, across the dining table when my friends were over. This is what I yearn for.

What I wanted to do, that evening in the kitchen, is to put myself in your arms, hold you and be held, and then meet the world together. I'm unsure about many things, and like you, I wouldn't know to how handle being roommates and lovers simultaneously. But the beauty of it is that we don't have to know these things beforehand, because we'd grapple with these problems together. To become lovers is a beautiful leap of trust and intimacy. You surrender your insecurities and vulnerabilities to the other, and decide to become a single entity. Whatever problems come our way, we'll deal with together.

De verklarende factor van ADHD

Ik ben tegenwoordig alles wat ik meemaak in de context aan het zetten van het hebben van ADHD, en het werkt bijzonder verklarend. Voor zover ik het nu begrijp / interpreteer, geeft ADHD je deze twee eigenschappen:

• Verminderde regulatie/controle van je focus. Je bent ofwel niet geinteresseerd, of verhoogd gefocused, en er is vaak geen middenweg.
• In sociale omstandigheden heeft dit het effect dat sociale prikkels harder binnenkomen. Je bent "te gevoelig afgesteld" zoals Ayeh het zei. Sociale prikkels zijn veel intenser, for good or bad.

Vandaag had ik mijn zesde motorles, en we deden nieuwe dingen. Tot nog toe hebben we vooral gewerkt aan voertuigbeheersing, pylonnen, halve draaien, stopproeven e.d. Ik lesde samen met Kevin, een kalme persoonlijkheid en een vlotte student. Glenn zei dat we vandaag maar eens het verkeer in zouden gaan, omdat we de voertuigsbeheersing inmiddels best onder de knie hebben. We zouden wat extra handelingen moeten gaan doen, spiegelen, observeren, wegdek, en dat zou dan ook betekenen dat we de voertuigbeheersing ansich wat onbewuster zouden gaan leren doen. Op deze manier zouden we het automatisme ervan gaan verbeteren.

Kevin ging fantastisch, zelf zat ik nog teveel tegelijk te doen. ADHD. Ik zal niet in de verte kunnen kijken en tegelijk ook observeren wat daar te zien is, maar ook nog schakelen, gas geven, remmen, spiegelen, richtingaanwijzers, etc. Het gekke was dat ik me nog wel relatief prima kalm voelde. Het was niet alsof ik rijles aan het doen was zoals jaren geleden. Ondanks dat ik wat best grote fouten maakte, bleef ik er prima kalm onder. Maar het effect was hetzelfde alsof ik gestresst was. Of ik onbewust gestresst was, of dat het puur en alleen een ADHD ding is, zullen we misschien ook nooit weten, het effect lijkt in ieder geval hetzelfde.

Er was een moment dat het niet zo goed ging, en Kevin was vanwege een stoplicht verderop geraakt. Glenn vertelde hem bij het tankstation verderop te stoppen, en voerde mij daar vervolgens ook heen. Hij tankte, kocht wat te eten, en ging met ons rustig praten over kijken, observeren, verkeer. Maar toen hij mij vroeg hoe ik in mijn spiegels zou kijken bij de situatie voor ons (twee samenvoegende weghelfden op een 50-weg die harder wordt gereden, naderend op een rotonde), hadden we toch een paar minuten vervelende verwarring. "Rij-instructeur-verwarring", zoals ik het maar noem, omdat ik dit bij elke rij-instructeur zal hebben. En in all honesty, Glenn is de beste instructeur ever, maar dat behoedde ons nog altijd niet van dit moment. ADHD. Het vervelende is dus dat de twee effecten los van elkaar een stapelend effect hebben. In eerste instantie heb je moeite de losse focus en rust te behouden op de motor zelf, maar daarbovenop voelt de sociale interactie met je rij-instructeur daarna ook nog eens intenser dan dat het had gehoeven.

(Glenn is oprecht fantastisch tho. Het waren wat ongemakkelijke minuten, maar hij vatte het goed samen als dat ik er dus nog geen kalmte/rust in had, en dat dat mag, want we zijn nog aan het oefenen; en neuriede nog wat, gaf complimentjes en merkte grappige dingen op over de auto-bestuurders, op de weg terug. In de categorie rij-instructeurs had ik niet beter kunnen scoren.)

Aandacht (niet) gunnen

Thuis heb ik verder nog de situatie met Manca, en de afgelopen dagen was haar vriendin Klara ook hier. Ik zal in weze de hele dag vooruitkijken naar onze interacties, en dan diep teleurgesteld zijn als ik haar (of Klara's) aandacht niet gegund krijg. Of als Carlota mee in de situatie doet, en de conversatie gewoon niet meer een ding tussen Manca (en Klara) en mij is, maar iets wat, in vorm en content, ook met Carlota wordt afgestemd.

Ik word dan getransporteerd naar de middelbare school, waar ik deze gevoelens ook intens ervaarde. Het ging toen erg om het al dan niet gunnen van aandacht. Het machtsspel ervan, maar die ik zo achteraf gezien misschien obviously te intens heb beleefd voor wat het is. ADHD. Iemand geen aandacht gunnen is disrespectvol, minachtend, ongeinteresseerd. Dat iemand in een sociale groepssituatie geen aandacht gegund wordt, is dat, sociaal gesolidificeerd. Die persoon is niks waard, en dat is voor iedereen duidelijk. Die "tug and pull" ervaarde ik zo heftig destijds, en ik heb een groot deel van mijn intellectuele en persoonlijke vorming, for good or bad dus, eraan te danken.

Ik verlang naar Manca's aandacht, maar ik ben me bewust dat het niks kan worden. Ik merk dat ze mij niet zo ziet zoals ik haar, in de manier waarop ze me (minder) aandacht gunt. Ik wil iemand die gefocused is op me, mijn behoefte begrijpt om verlangd te worden. Ik overpeins nu telkens hoe het dan is gegaan met Julia. Hoe kon ik hier niet zo mee bezig zijn met haar? Was het, simpelweg, omdat zij dit heel duidelijk invulde? Zij zag mij, wilde mij, was gefocused op mij? Was het vanwege een liefde voor mij, of omdat ze daar nu eenmaal zo goed in is? En andersom, dit verlangen van mij, klinkt precies zo in de oren als wat zij miste van mij. Kon ik op deze precieze manier, het voor haar niet waarmaken? Kom ik zo afstandelijk en ongeinteresseerd over als ik dat nu van Manca ervaar?

The last weeks I've been bursting with "nervous energy", as you would phrase it. To be honest, from the moment we interviewed you online (which was weird btw because in the moment Carlota and I had a bunch of built-up energy from the previous interview, which we had to scale down to the temperament you brought), I had a miniature crush on you. Carlota even remarked on it at the time. Especially after stalking you online in preparation of our choice, when I found the video of you and Klara dancing in Paris, I knew you were a romantic and I started developing a soft spot.

There were some larger moments that we shared, like our walks, and then many small ones. Especially the small interactions, like brushing our teeth together, spending time together in the kitchen, being industrious together at the living room table, and just all the tiny moments, were exhilarating. Sitting opposite of you at the living room table has been a little secret pleasure of mine, 'cause with the natural light coming in through the window, you look extremely beautiful. You'll wear yourself elegantly dark and tie up only half your hair, there's the contrast between your naturally lit face and the darker backdrop of the living room, your daily distinct choice of fun earrings, and the way you move your face, all together just making you look amazing. And then you pair this with a complex and romantic mind. A mind that knows hurt, feels for people, is picky in its tastes, driven, searching, and longing for something more. Detests the viewpoint that people can be reduced to their brains, as we were talking about that one night with Klara. But also crazy enthusiastic about the puzzle of the brain itself, and the tension between the world the of the puzzle and the world outside. And I love tasting the concepts and ideas you've found to glue the two worlds together, like the "veto free will" as opposed to "positive free will" (phrased in my own terms though).

When we were sitting on the floor of the kitchen last week Saturday, eating your family-recipe and slightly-failed cheese puffs, with personal guilty pleasure romantic 2000s songs playing on the background in the living room that you also loved, these emotions for you welled up in me to the point that I couldn't take it any longer. You were proposing arts & crafts activities for our newly-instated daily art hour, but I could just not think of anything outside of the moment. My body was in some kind of state of paralysis, and all my energy (which was not that much that day) resided in my mind. I was gazing at you, and hoping dearly that you understood what I was trying to convey. If it weren't for the paralysis of my body and mind, that kept me from enthusiastically joining one of your activity ideas, I wouldn't have brought it up. But as I couldn't fathom doing anything else, I figured I had no other option than to explain this paralysis to you. I told you, hesitantly, that I was feeling very "tense", because of something I had to tell you. I confessed that I "kinda like you", that I liked spending time with you, that it was probably just too weird because we're roommates, and that you could dismiss the whole thing if you wanted.

I don't know what I was expecting, I couldn't really look any further than that moment, but your response didn't feel very unexpected nonetheless. It's true that — although I had experienced our interactions as more than just having fun, more like a low-key suspended casual flirting which seemed to me the only viable way of working given the roommate situation (which gives us way too much time and situations together for more explicit flirting) — I was getting a sense that you weren't as reciprocative as you would have been if the feelings were mutual. In this topic space, I had been constantly pondering on your ways of showing outward affection. In one of our first interactions, we had climbed up into the old crane nearby, and you had told me about the way you act when you're dating someone. How you would refrain from romantic gestures, or any overt displays of affection, because you would fear that the resulting relationship might be fuelled by those acts, instead of the other's affection for you. A coping mechanism born out of anxious want for love, that I know as well. And in a very certain sense, I took what you said then, as some kind of subconsciously chosen but important act of negotiation, communicating the fact that this is how you would also act, in whatever would play out between us, in time. The subtext I read into this conversation is obviously way too specific and far removed from reality, and goes to show more how I had been feeling, than how you had been feeling. But nonetheless, this subtext fuelled the hypothesis for me, for quite a while, that whatever I felt was missing in reciprocity, could be explained from your attachment style. (And little spontaneous gestures of yours, like walking out to the paper bin together some days ago, although totally unnecessary from an organisational point of view, and walking closer together than necessary as well, then filled my explanatory gap.)

I guess if you look at it from a distance, which I think I'll be regaining now that we've spoken it out, the conclusion may just be that I've a gap of affection to fill in my life. And this is a good thing, because it means I know I want to grow, I'm yearning for new and am admiring people around me. I'd have loved to explore whatever would happen between us, but it would be dishonest to say that you've been the only one who has peaked my interest. Cato struck a vivid picture in my mind a month ago. And I've been feeling different about my relationship to Julia. I've been trying out new stuff, new hobbies, but I'm noticing that I'm missing people in my life that I can connect with in the way I'd want to. I like spending time with Jeroen and Rein, but somehow organising and filling activities hasn't been the easiest task. I'm more clearly noticing the extents and boundaries of my other friendships. In fact, when I needed someone to vent and bounce my thoughts off of about my confession to you, looking through the contact list on my phone, the most viable person, after not being able to contact Manon, was Annet. I'd have never thought this would happen, but running the hypothetical conversations though my head that I'd be having with, eg, Jeroen, Daan, Elsie, Cyril, Nikki, .. I was certain that Annet might be the only person I'd really want to share this phone call with. (Which was a strange surprise, because we don't seem to keep contact otherwise.)

Living with Carlota has been an entire episode in this category as well. At first, it gave me so much energy to bond and learn to live together with Carlota. Her immediate and direct style of showing affection, nerdy interests and way of thinking, and general appreciability, made us have a really good time together. (Even though I might not spend as many words on it, this can't be understated.) Over time though, and especially when we had to navigate the debacle with Miriam, her way of dealing with her anxiety, and the effects it has on our interactions together, started to disappoint me, or sometimes just plain annoy me. On one occasion, I realised that this must be the same way Julia started feeling about me, I just had never experienced it from the other side. If someone is held back by anxiety, it detriments the relationship you can have with them. Small fun activities that I suggested, like drawing big pictures with charcoal, welding a copper lamp as I had done with my sister's bachelor party, or letting her drive us on our way to our marktplaats pickup in Amstelveen (or just whatever small part of it she would be comfortable with), would be halted immediately, because they'd be plain scary. In a way it just makes her picky in a not fun way. I don't want to be this person, but I know I've been this person for so long and to such a great extent. And I'm finally breaking free of it, relatively speaking of course, but there's still so much I don't do or dare, just because it's scary. Just because I don't know how it works, or what outcomes it will have. When I fell in love with Julia, I felt a similar kind of "rejuvenation" as I think I've been starting to feel lately again. I remember writing down that those moments of "falling in love" might just equate the moments of personal change, and how it felt weird that, right when I was trying to get to know Julia, and she me, I'd be changing into someone else.

I told Ayeh some sessions ago, that I felt that I had been learning how to cope with anxiety by downplaying things ("bagataliseren"), which was working quite well, but which also has the adverse side-effect of becoming unappreciative / insensitive. Rein once (unwittingly) scared me when he said that he was feeling the way people feel when they've have a burn-out (I think), describing also this exact same feeling of becoming insensitive to things after having downplayed them as a coping mechanism. I think this is my latest struggle, and this is where I want to change. I want to, simultaneously, (1) be in control of myself and not be led by negative anxious emotions, (2) be sensitive, open and empathic in social interactions. (Carlota does (2) excellently, btw.) And although so far I've been tackling point (1) through downplaying things, with the adverse effect of losing point (2), I think my sessions with Ayeh have shown me that the way to combine (1) and (2), is by (a) understanding my emotions better, and then, more importantly, (b) communicating my needs to people, and (thereby but indirectly) navigating to places and situations where I can feel "at home", connecting with people in the way that fits me. [This whole last part is still a bit of a tangle.]