Not interested

I've had a full weekend, and a lot of fun. There's probably literally no reason be feel down, except of course that I'm drained of energy. So here's another sad angsty broadcast.

I'm crushing on Manca, but she's just not particularly interested in me, and that hurts. More generally, I'm thinking a lot about this (old) idea that there's only so much interest to be had, and you're usually not its focus. I'd love it if someone is interested in me, but people aren't really. And more specifically, I yearn for Manca's interest, but that's an unfortunate/losing game I'm playing at. I'm starting to hate the dynamics of the situation. Manca gets a bunch of interest (which is fine, and great on itself, and due to a bunch of healthy relationships that I can't say I have). And I'm just a fool to also want to spend all my interest on her, because she doesn't reciprocate it. And how could she, or why would she, if I'm just one of many. But it mostly just makes me feel so little. I keep looking at myself from the lens of a disinterested Manca. Stupid remarks I make, or silence because I can't create or hold a conversation. Mannerisms. The way I hold and move myself, my body, how it's uncertain, unmanly, just silly.