Manca

The last weeks I've been bursting with "nervous energy", as you would phrase it. To be honest, from the moment we interviewed you online (which was weird btw because in the moment Carlota and I had a bunch of built-up energy from the previous interview, which we had to scale down to the temperament you brought), I had a miniature crush on you. Carlota even remarked on it at the time. Especially after stalking you online in preparation of our choice, when I found the video of you and Klara dancing in Paris, I knew you were a romantic and I started developing a soft spot.

There were some larger moments that we shared, like our walks, and then many small ones. Especially the small interactions, like brushing our teeth together, spending time together in the kitchen, being industrious together at the living room table, and just all the tiny moments, were exhilarating. Sitting opposite of you at the living room table has been a little secret pleasure of mine, 'cause with the natural light coming in through the window, you look extremely beautiful. You'll wear yourself elegantly dark and tie up only half your hair, there's the contrast between your naturally lit face and the darker backdrop of the living room, your daily distinct choice of fun earrings, and the way you move your face, all together just making you look amazing. And then you pair this with a complex and romantic mind. A mind that knows hurt, feels for people, is picky in its tastes, driven, searching, and longing for something more. Detests the viewpoint that people can be reduced to their brains, as we were talking about that one night with Klara. But also crazy enthusiastic about the puzzle of the brain itself, and the tension between the world the of the puzzle and the world outside. And I love tasting the concepts and ideas you've found to glue the two worlds together, like the "veto free will" as opposed to "positive free will" (phrased in my own terms though).

When we were sitting on the floor of the kitchen last week Saturday, eating your family-recipe and slightly-failed cheese puffs, with personal guilty pleasure romantic 2000s songs playing on the background in the living room that you also loved, these emotions for you welled up in me to the point that I couldn't take it any longer. You were proposing arts & crafts activities for our newly-instated daily art hour, but I could just not think of anything outside of the moment. My body was in some kind of state of paralysis, and all my energy (which was not that much that day) resided in my mind. I was gazing at you, and hoping dearly that you understood what I was trying to convey. If it weren't for the paralysis of my body and mind, that kept me from enthusiastically joining one of your activity ideas, I wouldn't have brought it up. But as I couldn't fathom doing anything else, I figured I had no other option than to explain this paralysis to you. I told you, hesitantly, that I was feeling very "tense", because of something I had to tell you. I confessed that I "kinda like you", that I liked spending time with you, that it was probably just too weird because we're roommates, and that you could dismiss the whole thing if you wanted.

I don't know what I was expecting, I couldn't really look any further than that moment, but your response didn't feel very unexpected nonetheless. It's true that — although I had experienced our interactions as more than just having fun, more like a low-key suspended casual flirting which seemed to me the only viable way of working given the roommate situation (which gives us way too much time and situations together for more explicit flirting) — I was getting a sense that you weren't as reciprocative as you would have been if the feelings were mutual. In this topic space, I had been constantly pondering on your ways of showing outward affection. In one of our first interactions, we had climbed up into the old crane nearby, and you had told me about the way you act when you're dating someone. How you would refrain from romantic gestures, or any overt displays of affection, because you would fear that the resulting relationship might be fuelled by those acts, instead of the other's affection for you. A coping mechanism born out of anxious want for love, that I know as well. And in a very certain sense, I took what you said then, as some kind of subconsciously chosen but important act of negotiation, communicating the fact that this is how you would also act, in whatever would play out between us, in time. The subtext I read into this conversation is obviously way too specific and far removed from reality, and goes to show more how I had been feeling, than how you had been feeling. But nonetheless, this subtext fuelled the hypothesis for me, for quite a while, that whatever I felt was missing in reciprocity, could be explained from your attachment style. (And little spontaneous gestures of yours, like walking out to the paper bin together some days ago, although totally unnecessary from an organisational point of view, and walking closer together than necessary as well, then filled my explanatory gap.)

I guess if you look at it from a distance, which I think I'll be regaining now that we've spoken it out, the conclusion may just be that I've a gap of affection to fill in my life. And this is a good thing, because it means I know I want to grow, I'm yearning for new and am admiring people around me. I'd have loved to explore whatever would happen between us, but it would be dishonest to say that you've been the only one who has peaked my interest. Cato struck a vivid picture in my mind a month ago. And I've been feeling different about my relationship to Julia. I've been trying out new stuff, new hobbies, but I'm noticing that I'm missing people in my life that I can connect with in the way I'd want to. I like spending time with Jeroen and Rein, but somehow organising and filling activities hasn't been the easiest task. I'm more clearly noticing the extents and boundaries of my other friendships. In fact, when I needed someone to vent and bounce my thoughts off of about my confession to you, looking through the contact list on my phone, the most viable person, after not being able to contact Manon, was Annet. I'd have never thought this would happen, but running the hypothetical conversations though my head that I'd be having with, eg, Jeroen, Daan, Elsie, Cyril, Nikki, .. I was certain that Annet might be the only person I'd really want to share this phone call with. (Which was a strange surprise, because we don't seem to keep contact otherwise.)

Living with Carlota has been an entire episode in this category as well. At first, it gave me so much energy to bond and learn to live together with Carlota. Her immediate and direct style of showing affection, nerdy interests and way of thinking, and general appreciability, made us have a really good time together. (Even though I might not spend as many words on it, this can't be understated.) Over time though, and especially when we had to navigate the debacle with Miriam, her way of dealing with her anxiety, and the effects it has on our interactions together, started to disappoint me, or sometimes just plain annoy me. On one occasion, I realised that this must be the same way Julia started feeling about me, I just had never experienced it from the other side. If someone is held back by anxiety, it detriments the relationship you can have with them. Small fun activities that I suggested, like drawing big pictures with charcoal, welding a copper lamp as I had done with my sister's bachelor party, or letting her drive us on our way to our marktplaats pickup in Amstelveen (or just whatever small part of it she would be comfortable with), would be halted immediately, because they'd be plain scary. In a way it just makes her picky in a not fun way. I don't want to be this person, but I know I've been this person for so long and to such a great extent. And I'm finally breaking free of it, relatively speaking of course, but there's still so much I don't do or dare, just because it's scary. Just because I don't know how it works, or what outcomes it will have. When I fell in love with Julia, I felt a similar kind of "rejuvenation" as I think I've been starting to feel lately again. I remember writing down that those moments of "falling in love" might just equate the moments of personal change, and how it felt weird that, right when I was trying to get to know Julia, and she me, I'd be changing into someone else.

I told Ayeh some sessions ago, that I felt that I had been learning how to cope with anxiety by downplaying things ("bagataliseren"), which was working quite well, but which also has the adverse side-effect of becoming unappreciative / insensitive. Rein once (unwittingly) scared me when he said that he was feeling the way people feel when they've have a burn-out (I think), describing also this exact same feeling of becoming insensitive to things after having downplayed them as a coping mechanism. I think this is my latest struggle, and this is where I want to change. I want to, simultaneously, (1) be in control of myself and not be led by negative anxious emotions, (2) be sensitive, open and empathic in social interactions. (Carlota does (2) excellently, btw.) And although so far I've been tackling point (1) through downplaying things, with the adverse effect of losing point (2), I think my sessions with Ayeh have shown me that the way to combine (1) and (2), is by (a) understanding my emotions better, and then, more importantly, (b) communicating my needs to people, and (thereby but indirectly) navigating to places and situations where I can feel "at home", connecting with people in the way that fits me. [This whole last part is still a bit of a tangle.]