We went to bagels & beans, to finally use the €10 gift card, that had been hanging on our fridge for who knows how long. And then we went on a walk, found a nice park, and lied in the grass for a long time.

Eventually I breached the topic. I told her how, today and yesterday, I had been waiting for her to reciprocate my affection. The last few days, on several occasions, I felt overwhelmed and showed her affection. Once I took her in my arms and kissed her, once I kissed her briefly on the cheek, once we kissed shortly on the couch before she left for something, I can't remember. But almost none of this came from her, so I had also spent a lot of time just sitting and lying next to her, waiting for her to hug me, kiss me, touch me, hold my hand, whatever.

I told her that I didn't know whether this lack of affection was because she didn't feel it, or because she chooses to not further ignite something that she's scared of, but either way, I need more affection, and without it I can't see anything further developing between us.

We talked the whole thing through again for quite a while, and eventually I couldn't otherwise than hold her and stroke her, and she wept occasionally (and I dearly wanted to, too), and she held me tightly too, and at the end she even played a song by Hozier, which completed the ritual. We then left the park, and left our more intimate closeness there too.

I had told her that my growing love for her was like a box, that I had already closed once, just before meeting Lisanna, because of our last (fourth?) "couch conversation", in which I physically felt I understood what it meant for her to "just not love me" (my words, or actually Heleen's, not Manca's). And the recent growth in intimacy and opportunity that I had experienced, the last few weeks with her, already felt a bit like re-opening a box. I "broke up" with Manca, in the sense that I told her that I'd be closing this box again, more definitively, and putting it away. Concretely, I'd stop looking for clues of her affection for me, not spend time cherishing or savouring moments of connection, not look for that extra moment of eye-contact, etc. From the depths of my heart, I still want her to chase me back, if and whenever she would realize she does want me, but in that case, she'd have to be "very clear", because I won't be on the lookout for signs anymore, in fact I'll actively be working to suppress semi-signs for my own sake.

Some things that were said:

I asked her whether she felt, or had felt, any physical attraction to me, and her answer was no. But she had fantasized about having sex with me or 3, no 4, occasions. I asked her whether, when we were lying close by each other, she felt the need to cuddle up to me (currently we were, because I moved her to me). Not really, she said she'd want to hold hands, and that "this feels nice too".

She said I am the most giving person she knows, and I deserve someone like her, but better. She said she was sorry she put me through all this pain.

She talked again about these "blocks" that were installed in her mind, as soon as she moved in, that I am her housemate, not possible lover. How when she's tired, these blocks erode, but then when she's tired, her body also is less inclined to physical affection. I told her, that when I'm tired, and there's someone I love nearby, I'd just want to lay my head in their lap. I'm not sure what she responded to this, but somehow underwhelming still.

How I fucking hate this situation. I so dreadfully want Manca to want me, not just "love me" in some stupidly undefined "8 year old" kinda way, that just won't take off, but that she somehow does want to cherish and keep alive and see how and whether it will grow.

She says she's physically attracted to Marco, and it hurts me that she doesn't feel that for me too, but she is willing to have sex with me, twice, and then also calls it a super special "soul-bonding" experience. That's cool, but, I want her to see me and think: let's soul-bond some more! We soul-bonded in the dark, for fuck's sake, it's like there's a sterile separation between the housemate Kelley, that has been seen in the light, and the lover Kelley, who has only been felt. We showered briefly, but it was only functional, not loving.

Yesterday I slept with Manca, and although I may now be sleep-deprived, my day was full of confidence and hope.

When I came home from working at the office, Carlota told me Manca would be home later with Lode, that she'd asked her to put her newly washed bed linnen, now out to dry, in her room when dry.

I was so confident that, later, I not only did that for Carlota, for Manca, but also went ahead and put her linnen on her bed, around her blanket. Manca should have a nice night with Lode and I'll be fine with it, I thought, in the same way as Manca can be fine with Lisanna being with me. I figured that the previous time that Lode was here, was before Manca had opened up her intimacy to me.

I fell asleep and didn't notice them coming home. But when I woke up because I needed to pee, I heard their noises, only after having left my room for the toilet, and sat on the toilet for a little bit listening to Manca approach climax, and Lode orgasm. I felt the jealousy sting right through my heart. The, admittedly weird, things Manca had said about my capacity as a lover, yesterday, came to mind, and I would question their legitimacy, and whether Manca meant it when she said those things.

Why must I be such an inferior, insecure, small, stupid boy?

The first night came after coming home after a work event, celebrating the joining of MyWheels and Amber. On the way home in the metro, I felt Manca's affection, from sitting by the water after swimming, and from her embrace after I had let her read my piece of text called 'Flowers'. (Both things happened earlier in the week, but to be honest it's all melting together now in my mind, and I can't clearly separate all the pieces.) I decided that when I came home, I'd kiss her, of which I had previously been reluctant, because I thought I knew it would not have any meaning if she wouldn't initiate it. At home, Maria was over, and we first kept conversation, about police agents and fines, until Maria left. When I kissed Manca, I was surprised with the vivacity and determinedness with which she kissed me back. We intertwined our bodies and kissed and lay on the couch together, until at some point Manca told me, that she couldn't receive all my love, and how she still didn't know whether she could want more. I told her this hurt me, and then we went full analysis mode, and I reached the conclusion that it might just be a technical thing. Maybe you're lesbian, maybe you're asexual, maybe you're too overwhelmed and just unavailable. Whatever the case, if it's just the construct around sex, we can work it out. That's so much less important to me, than debating in my mind, whether you want to be with me. It's mostly just inconvenient, for me, to understand. At the end of a long talk, I asked her what her best outcome for the evening would be, and she surprised me by asking whether I'd want to sleep alongside with her (and no more than that). I had to think about it, and then decided I wanted to. In the middle of the night, she changed heart and we made love passionately. I guess this was inevitable, looking back.

The second night, three nights later, came after she came home after a long day full of birthday celebrations for Julia. I had stayed up hoping to see her, and then when she came home, she sat down next to the couch and placed her hand on my leg, and we talked. Later, she flopped herself onto the couch next to me and we watched the remaining part of an episode of Fleabag. A first, she stretched her hand out to me, which I took, and we moved closer, kissed, and decided to sleep together again.

Will you BYOB, or, bring your own blanket, she asked? I told her that for a second I wondered whether she meant that we'd sleep under separate blankets, that I obviously wanted to sleep under the same one. She said, my god, I really do have such a hard time providing people with safety, that even a joke like this will get misinterpreted..

Although I proposed to just sleep, cuddle, kiss, with no further intentions, we of course couldn't help ourselves from getting more intimate. We made love, tried to sleep, made love again, and then talked about the technicalities of making love, making sounds, my penis, orgasming, her Julia, my Julia, and such.

In the night, when we would rearrange ourselves, she would always move with me and make sure to keep holding my hand, whether around her or around me, and I felt her love so close by.

That second night really was heaven. She came home wanting me, and our desire for each other was transparent and simple. Sure, sex might be a problem, I thought, but her want for me was clear. I think I also remarked on it at some point, how strange it felt, that I had to re-acclimatize a bit to the situation. There was no tension, no game, I didn't have to look for clues or wait for affirmation. She was just there with me.

I've sleep-deprived myself somewhat, but there was a poetic moment somewhere in the night, where I was halfway lucidly dreaming. We rearranged our bodies, Manca sought and held my hand while she spooned me, and I contemplated how our bodies meshed so well together, but in my mind it was simultaneously the authorization system I had set up in the MyWheels codebase the week before. There was a tension of engineering, would it fit together, and it turned out to fit perfectly.

I want to be understood and to be held. Manca understands me, but can't hold me. Lisanna holds me dearly, but doesn't really understand me.

Woke up at 3 AM because I needed to pee and a moth in my room was making a ruckus. I checked my phone for notifications, and was delighted to see one from Manca.

I read the notification bubble's single lined preview, the first half of the last sentence of the (3) messages she apparently sent me. It read: "I guess I have to force myself to..."

We had shared some intimate moments the last few days, after we had talked about our relationship a few days ago, and I had let her read my note titled "Flowers". Shockwaves went through her body when she read it, and afterwards she flung herself into my embrace. She said that I always make her body surrender, how at this moment she was just unable to make bodily decisions.

Earlier today we went swimming and afterwards we sat on the bench in the sun. She put her arm around me, and I moved closer to her, and our heads would touch. She told me I have soft skin.

The newfound intimacy, with unclear direction, seems a bit fragile to me, and the first thought that ran through my head, reading that notification bubble's line of text, was that this was her, writing a lengthy apologetic boundary-setting late night drunk reflection of sorts, ending with something like: "I guess I have to force myself to stop accepting your intimacy, because I know that I want to keep you as a friend, and I don't want to lead you on to something that cannot be."

I hastily opened the messages to confront this suspicion, and was relieved to read a way shorter, cute late night message: "Omg i went to the ferry to the station from pontsteiger on accident. So painful to the optimalist in me. I guess i have to force myself to embrace the scenic route."

The beauty is more than just the surprising lightness of the message. It's also that, when bicycling home late at night after a party, she would think of messaging me. I would love to receive all of Manca's drunk late night messages, all the time, and maybe this is our first.

Isabel made coffee for us to drink while showering. Her shampoo was an intense deep blue, and when she poured it onto her hands it looked as if she had murdered an alien.

She said I am as afraid of losing her, as she is afraid of having me.

She said people make love out of boredom.

When I woke up at 4 AM today, is was because of the lightning and piercing thunder, and the gentle rain.

I contemplated the idea of softly knocking on Manca's door, to see whether she had also woken up, and ask if I could lay with her, to listen to the storm together.

And then a bird began to sing, as it would at 4 AM on any regular day. I had always assumed that a storm like this would be felt as a threatening and scary experience, by most animals. But the bird seemed unshaken and happy to start the day.

Isabel, altijd stoer of mooi gekleed en met een hele lieve lach en energie, van ons electronisch muziekklasje. Tot grijs aan toe geblondeerd haar, in een aflopend matje. Met een gezichtje / kaak die me een beetje doet denken aan Sophie.

Ik vertelde haar de week ervoor over Lisanna en Manca en polyamoreuze uitkomsten.

Haar lichaam was tenger en haar botten best aanwezig in ons vrijen.

Ze zette de volgende ochtend Madlib aan op haar platenspeler en maakte er fantastische gezichten bij, hoe cool is deze muziek? Op een van zijn tracks zouden gewoon een hoop totaal verschillende beats elkaar opvolgen. Ik moest er om lachen, en Isabel straalde en zei iets als, "Hij heeft zoveel beats, dan moet 't maar zo."

Ik vroeg haar, in de nacht, wat ze het meeste zocht of wilde hebben in het leven. Tevreden zijn, zelfstandig zijn, voor haarzelf leven. Ze had een tijd lang goed in de knoop gezeten met zichzelf. Hoe kwam je uit de knoop, vroeg ik haar. Twee-en-een-half jaar therapie, elke week twee sessies: één groepstherapie, één individueel.

Ik snapte tijdens het vrijen niet altijd zo goed wat ze wilde, en haar energie kwam in gekke horten en stoten. Ze gaf af en toe kreuntjes van schijnbare discontent met het verloop, maar die interpreteerde ik verkeerd en ze bleek het niet zo te bedoelen. Volgens mij ervaart zij vrijen op bepaalde vlakken een beetje zoals ik dat ook doe. Ik heb zelf, in het verleden vooral, nog best wat last gehad met het begrijpen van de cues, de intenties, het energieniveau, en de flow, van vrijen. Niet weten wat ik wil, wat de ander wil, waar het heen gaat, hoe het zal verlopen. Ik ben er best trots op dat ik hier nu kalmer in blijf, het niet overdenk, verandering in de flow kan accepteren, dat de situatie nu more malleable is. Een groot deel hiervan komt misschien wel vanwege recente overwinningen met Lisanna, hoewel ik daarvoor ook al best gegroeid ben geloof ik. Mijn nieuwste terugkerende probleempje, waar Lisanna me heel erg loving in ondersteunde, is het niet handig functioneren van mijn penis (dat is een verhaaltje op zich). Dat is een beetje mijn dingetje nu, zei ik. Haar dingetje dan, zei ze, was het af en toe even op adem moeten komen. (Om dus volgens mij even te herpakken, vanwege het bovenstaande denk ik.)

Ze zou soms een beetje haar eigen plan trekken, en dan eerst heel sensueel, en dan later ook best vurig of wild, op mij wrijven of schuren, op en neer, tot ze tot orgasme kwam (denk ik). Het was heel mooi, zij het misschien was eenzijdig. Ik bedacht me op een aantal momenten hoe ik met meer communiceren de situatie misschien kon veranderen, maar heb dat maar bij 1 keer gelaten. Het hoeft vanavond niet 'opgelost' te worden, ik geniet hier ook van, en ik wil haar niet lastigvallen met feedback ofzo, ik denk dat het voor haar ook best spannend is en wil dat ze het zo fijn mogelijk heeft. Ik gaf haar dan, in plaats daarvan, een complimentje of zei iets moois, zoals ik dat nieuw van Lisanna heb geleerd.

De ochtend erna dronken we koffie in de douche. De avond ervoor douchten we trouwens ook vooraf. Ik was onder de douche gesprongen, en zij ging, half uitgekleed, tandenpoetsen, aan de andere kant van het gordijn. Ze maakte aanstalten om weg te gaan, toen ze klaar was, waarop ik haar vroeg, of ze niet nog even mee wilde douchen. Ik ben best trots op dit stukje lieve laagdrempelige assertiviteit, en ze glimlachte en stapte toen inderdaad mee onder de douche. Ik zeepte haar in en we knuffelden.

Eerder op de avond waren we met zijn vijven, toen vieren, blijven hangen in CREA, tot best laat. Toen Olaf en Tyler weggingen, bleven Isabel en ik zitten. Tijdens het vaarwel-ritueeltje was het een beetje awkward en hingen de intenties in de lucht, dat vond ik wel een beetje spannend. We zaten tegenover elkaar, bewogen dichter naar elkaar toe, en zij vertelde over hoe ze zichzelf heel sufjes cock-blockte, in haar interacties met de polyamoreuze jongen waar ze uiteindelijk wel nog een nacht mee had gedeeld.

Nog eerder, in ons klasje, flirtten we met elkaar (denk ik / subtiel) met ons oogcontact.

Haar afgelopen week was best gevuld en succesvol geweest. Ze was in haar eentje op de Veluwe gaan fietsen, en in haar eentje naar de tentoonstelling over de Aboriginals in Australië in het EYE geweest. Daar was ze erg trots op, met het oog op die zelfstandigheid en tevredenheid zoals eerder beschreven.

Waar ze beter in wilde worden: eerste stappen zetten. (Romantische) assertiviteit.

Ik heb altijd gedacht, waarom hebben mensen nu zo'n vorm, dat ze niet precies in elkaar passen? Maar tijdens vrijen heb ik er nooit last van gehad, en juist andersom, altijd gedacht, wat passen we toch onwaarschijnlijk goed in elkaar, in een hoop houdingen. Bij Isabel kwam ik voor het eerst sinds een tijd weer bij deze gedachte terug.

op deze plaats ben ik gekomen
om wellicht een laatste maal te overnachten

ik voel alle eerdere feestjes en overnachtingen dichtbij
deze ruimte blijft in mijn gedachten

ik weet dat mijn hosts
het bruine interieur en elk asbakje
in de wordende ruimte in neerbosch-oost
zullen aanvoelen, groeien, scheppen, bewerken
jullie nieuwe dakje

want in de nacht was ook dichtbij
alle toekomstige feestjes en overnachtingen
die ons bij elkaar brachten