3 AM

Woke up at 3 AM because I needed to pee and a moth in my room was making a ruckus. I checked my phone for notifications, and was delighted to see one from Manca.

I read the notification bubble's single lined preview, the first half of the last sentence of the (3) messages she apparently sent me. It read: "I guess I have to force myself to..."

We had shared some intimate moments the last few days, after we had talked about our relationship a few days ago, and I had let her read my note titled "Flowers". Shockwaves went through her body when she read it, and afterwards she flung herself into my embrace. She said that I always make her body surrender, how at this moment she was just unable to make bodily decisions.

Earlier today we went swimming and afterwards we sat on the bench in the sun. She put her arm around me, and I moved closer to her, and our heads would touch. She told me I have soft skin.

The newfound intimacy, with unclear direction, seems a bit fragile to me, and the first thought that ran through my head, reading that notification bubble's line of text, was that this was her, writing a lengthy apologetic boundary-setting late night drunk reflection of sorts, ending with something like: "I guess I have to force myself to stop accepting your intimacy, because I know that I want to keep you as a friend, and I don't want to lead you on to something that cannot be."

I hastily opened the messages to confront this suspicion, and was relieved to read a way shorter, cute late night message: "Omg i went to the ferry to the station from pontsteiger on accident. So painful to the optimalist in me. I guess i have to force myself to embrace the scenic route."

The beauty is more than just the surprising lightness of the message. It's also that, when bicycling home late at night after a party, she would think of messaging me. I would love to receive all of Manca's drunk late night messages, all the time, and maybe this is our first.